Those of you who’ve been following me for a while know that about 18 months ago I had a breakdown, my depression and anxiety went into overdrive following an incident at my then job.
I spent most of the last year and a half on long term sick leave while I fought with myself and mental illness. I went to CBT and group therapy. Neither seemed to help.
I found the right medication with the help of some super dedicated doctors and started blogging as a means of getting outside of myself, even on days when getting out of bed was impossible.
Thursday was #timetotalk a nation wide initiative aimed at breaking the silence around mental health. It’s still taboo, treatment is patchy on the NHS and the media paints everyone with a mental health issue as a danger to the public.
We might be nuts but we’re mostly harmless. In fact people suffering from a mental illness are more likely to harm themselves than you. Which means they (we) need support and empathy all the more. Our own brains are against us. It can be absolutely terrifying when you’re at war with yourself.
I thought I would share some of the things that have helped me find some balance again. Please be aware that these do not replace the advice of your doctors/therapists etc. I am not an expert in the field and this is all based on my own personal experience of surviving two mental breakdowns in my life and battling depression and anxiety for over ten years.
Depression makes you unbelievably selfish. You just stop caring about anyone or anything else around you. Eventually you stop caring about yourself. You couldn’t care less if you never got out of bed again. You stop eating, washing, wear the same pyjamas for days on end. But sometimes you don’t have a choice.
My boysies
We got Algernon and Justin last May, they’re part emotional support, you cannot be depressed around them, and part un-selfish device. They need to be fed, fussed over, talked to, cuddled and spoilt all the time. They were joined by three girl rats, sadly Peaches and Cream crossed the rainbow bridge but Custard still rules the rat house.
Boss Rat
Pets force us to think about something outside of ourselves – I’m not saying go out and buy an animal to make yourself better, but for me, these little balls of fur have been such a great joy.
I can’t always articulate why I am having a bad day, depression steals my words and anxiety stops me from locating them. But books are always there. On the days when crawling into a novel was too hard, there were graphic novels/comics, poems and declaiming speeches from Shakespeare (I knew my degree would be useful one day). Other people’s words when mine failed.
Adult colouring books were huge in 2015, and I was there, scribbling away, mostly mandalas, but finding the edge taken off my anxiety by the repetitive nature of the activity and the colours. No wonder little kids seem so happy when they colour in.
Blogging helped me immensely, it distracted me from the war in my head. Same with Instagram and twitter, though I had to step away from Facebook and its barely controlled anger, I explored more of the things I enjoy, finding my way back to me.
Going back to work, just not that work. I tried to go back to my old job, I’d been there five years, but there was no support, I was treated like I’d been off with the flu, not a serious illness. So I left again, this time for good. The relief was amazing. Then I started temping, and while I now know that’s not for me, it gave me back a lot of confidence.
A "cookie"
Finding the funny – above is what should have been chocolate chip cookies, I honestly have no idea what happened, but instead of panicking about how I’d messed up, I took a photo, sent it to my best friend and reminded her of previous baking fails. Then I laughed, proper deep belly laughs. Because life is ridiculous and none of us are getting out alive.
Lean on others – I’ve been really lucky, the Mr has been the most amazing support. And I know it hasn’t been easy for him. Lean on the people who love you, whether it’s a friend, family member, your mum, partner or Samaritan. Let them take the strain for a moment, don’t be afraid of letting others in.
Asking for help is probably the hardest thing you can do. But it is also the most liberating. We fight our monsters in silence, but it is OK to say “I can’t do this anymore” and ask for help. I cried in my doctor’s office as I finally admitted I couldn’t cope and needed help. I am so glad I did. I’m honestly not sure if I would be here now if I hadn’t.
The new look box from You Beauty (they’ve dropped ‘Discovery’ from the title) has arrived.
The black and pink box is quite chic and packed to the brim. Along with the two selected items from the shortlist there’s several extra treats.
From the shortlist (The Rested & Radiant Edit) I selected Benecos Sea Buckthorn and Orange Hand Cream which smells delicious. My other pick was Aurelia Refine and Polish Miracle Balm, designed to brighten tired skin.
Also in my box were 4 bonus items.
Philip Kingsley Geranium and Neroli Elasticizer – this is a product I’ve used before, and this limited edition smells amazing. Use it before shampooing on damp hair to revive and strengthen hair.
Real Techniques Deep Cleaning Brush Gel – I’m always keen to see useful extras like this, while I do have other brush cleaners, I’ve heard good things about this particular one.
Vita Liberata Self Tanning Night Moisture Mask – not for me as my super pale skin doesn’t appreciate me trying to tan, a look I can create with make up anyway.
Eyeko Travel-sized Black Magic Mascara – bonus item for renewing my subscription following the new look and website.
I’m very impressed with the new You Beauty box. The old one had got a bit lacklustre so this is a brilliant return to form. I hope they keep it up.
Is this a box you receive? What did you pick from the shortlist?
This is January’s box, but it was doing the rounds in the delivery world so only just made it’s way to me.
This box is a little more restrained than the December Christmas lunch made me do it one (which apparently was my funniest post – thanks for the feedback).
The cream and black box is back, one of the classiest designs around, as is the the LMB The Journal (in house magazine) which is a nice addition.
With my membership points I selected four items, three beauty products and a cute bit o’ bling.
Percy & Reed Invisible Dry Shampoo – I love dry shampoo, but I hate the grainy white residue that looks way too much like dandruff. P&R say theirs doesn’t do that. I am building a fair collection of products from this brand and love the results I’ve had so far.
Lord & Berry Magic Brow in Wonderful – a double ended brow tool/product. One end is a brush to tidy up those stray hairs that I don’t have! The other is a marble effect pencil to fill in. I’ll probably use this in conjunction with my Clinique brow pen.
Omnisens Fresh Cleansing Tonic Water – teeny glass bottle with something a little different from the micellar waters currently riding high. I was intrigued and this seemed like a good way to try it out.
I’m a bit of a magpie, so the jewellery in the LMB boutique is a terrible distraction. I picked the rose gold quartz bracelet, combining my love of rose gold with rose quartz, a healing crystal.
Are you a Love Me Beauty subscriber? What did you pick from the boutique?
I don’t post about this often but it’s been on my mind recently and it’s weighing me down.
I love the theatre and I love ballet, have done since I was tiny (expelled from ballet lessons aged 7 for wanting to do ‘real dancing’ not endless good toes, bad toes, expelled from drama class at 13 for being “too dramatic” – I kid you not).
But since meeting the Mr a serious question has arisen – why are so many arts spaces hostile to the disabled?
My Mr broke his back aged 21 falling from a window at a party, he had extensive spinal surgery and rehab, he now uses a wheelchair to get around as he is paralysed from the waist down (yes he can still have sex before you ask, no I won’t explain in detail).
He wasn’t a massive theatre goer before we got together 6 years ago, he’d been to a few musicals and some live comedy. I took him to his first festival, first Shakespeare play and first ballet.
Some arts venues are brilliant, super accommodating and helpful (the Lyric Hammersmith, whatever the Hammersmith Apollo is now called, the O2, and a few West End theatres can’t do enough), others are a bit of a pain (Barbican, with its annoying registration process for example) and others are just downright obstructive.
We went to Sadler’s Wells a few years ago to see Matthew Bourne’s Gothic Sleeping Beauty, he’s my favourite choreographer, and I was delighted. The Mr booked the tickets and while they were a bit useless about it, we did get sorted in the end.
Christmas 2014 – Bourne’s Edward Scissorhands is at Sadler’s Wells. I want to go, the Mr says he’ll book, a Christmas present.
We don’t go, because SW have decided people lie about needing a wheelchair space and they want proof – a very particular proof, that even Government agencies don’t ask for, before they’ll make any booking.
We complain, it’s a really obnoxious policy and the access manager isn’t much better. We can’t find the document they want, and no other, even a note from his GP will do.
Who lies about needing a wheelchair space? They’ll look incredibly stupid when they turn up and have to stand, as chairs are removed to make room. You just refuse them then or ask them to pay the full value, or whatever.
It’s a policy I’ve never come across before or since. But it basically says “ballet is not for you” to anyone ringing up.
Ballet gets a lot of stick for being elitist, something many companies and venues are trying to change so to have the dance venue in London behave like this is extraordinary.
This Christmas just gone Sleeping Beauty was back, we didn’t even discuss going, we saw Bill Bailey in the West End instead (he was brilliant and the theatre’s assistance excellence) but I did ring Sadler’s Wells and they still have this mad policy in place. Way to tell disabled dance fans you don’t want them cluttering up your audience.
The Look Fantastic box had an adventure in the post but got here in the end.
January’s box is all about the detox. Something I really don’t get on with as a concept. But anyway, let’s dive in.
One of the things I find really annoying in beauty boxes is shampoo and conditioner samples. It feels lazy and a bit cheap, so I’m not thrilled to see these Kebelo bottles – clarifying shampoo and silk conditioner.
Bellapierre Shimmer Shadow in Earth –
These Mica powder shadows often pop up in beauty boxes, they’re hypoallergenic and suitable for all skin types. This one can double up as a highlighter.
Dr Lancer The Method: Polish – with plant enzymes and minerals, this polish removes dead skin cells and preps skin for a deeper cleanse.
Nuxe Nuxellence Detox – overnight anti-ageing cream that eliminates toxins and helps you wake up looking fresh.
Darphin Azahar Cleansing Micellar Water – a dinky bottle of a botanical based micellar water.
The postman was a bit late with this box, so I’m playing catch up.
January’s Glossybox is announcing “the year of more”. Unfortunately this box is “more of the same”.
Year of more
I’ve had at least three of these products before. Considering the palaver I’ve had with GB recently, I could really have done with a box full of goodies I’ve not encountered before.
Unani Dermo Defense Face Mask (full size) – herbal-based mask, nourishes and hydrates skin, especially sensitive skin.
Teeez Cosmetics Oasis Gem Lipstick (full size) in Coral Onyx – a matte coral colour lipstick.
Lipstick swatches
Madara Cellular Repair Serum (travel size) – boosts hydration and radiance with a cell repairing bio-complex.
Angele Paris Red Nail Lacquer (full size) – if this was a lipstick then I’d love the colour but I’m not sold on it as a nail colour.
Glossybox Eyeshadow in Glossy Mauve (full size) – GB has been developing their own range – this purple shade is part of that.
Randomly there’s an extra lipstick, maybe an apology for messing me around – a Yves Rocher in a mauve/brown shade I would never buy.
Coming at the end of January means most beauty boxes have to look forward, and Nailbox is no exception. This month’s is all about Valentine’s Day with three pinky shades in the box.
With their own brand orange sticks and a fancy treatment from Nail Apothecary, this box is a little too girly for me, and I’m a beauty blogger!
The orange sticks take me back to being a kid, my mum always seemed to have one out. Luckily my cuticles are virtually non-existent.
The gold flecked ridge filler is a nice addition to the box, I have a ridge on my thumb from smashing it in a door years ago, which means polish looks a bit odd sometimes.
The polishes are just too much pink for me to deal with. The Sinful Pro Shine in Baby Doll is my least favourite colour ever. Reminds me of Pepto Bismol.
The Seche Rendezvous is better, but still unlikely to get used much, and the Nails Inc Alexa collection Hearts look very pretty but seem very determined to stay in their bottle with the brush coming out heart-less.
Not the best box so far, for me anyway, but if you’re into pink, this is your dream box.
The Love Hearts win me over, I love sweets. :)🍬🍭
What do you think? Are you Little Miss (or Mr) Pink? Let me know in the comments below.
I took a bus through part of London today, something I rarely do, preferring the speed of the tube or walking the back streets. But it was nice to watch the city pass by.
The city called me/so I
came
– Emmy the Great
The buildings, some Victorian, some older, some new and glass fronted. The columns of St George’s Church in Bloomsbury, the narrow alleyways you can almost see the Artful Dodger vanishing down.
Photo via Twitter
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life – Samuel Johnson
I didn’t take photos, blurry through the bus window, I just took it in. The quirky old fashioned gentlemen’s outfitter, the cafés and restaurants serving cuisine from every corner of the globe.
Picture via Twitter
That mix of old and new, those glass fronts amongst brilliant red brick, the people rushing by.
The title of this post is from a song about San Francisco by Vanessa Carlton, but London hums, the trains beneath the streets, the traffic rumbling past. The ranks of black cabs and red Boris bikes, hundreds of languages carried by the wind.
Via Twitter
What has always fascinated me is how organic London is, it grew not from plans drawn up in an office somewhere, but from necessity, taking in farmland and spitting out city.
There are hundreds of stories, both real and read in this city. The echoes of Twist and Holmes, the Ripper and Whittington. Soaked into the paving beneath our feet.
ramblingmads 